I recently rented that Will Smith movie called “After Earth.” Have you seen it? It was so bad, it should have been called “After Birth.” To be honest, I only watched about 15 minutes of it, but I just couldn’t take it. Here is one of the shots of the movie. If I had seen this first, I don’t think I would have put in my Netflix cue! I mean really, what is this supposed to be?
I have been trying my hand at writing children’s books. So far, I have been turned down by every publishing house I have approached. I can’t understand why they aren’t more interested. Here are some of the working titles:
- Jimmy and the Haunted Toothbrush
- Doug and the Demonic Dog House
- Freddy and the Possessed Pajamas
- Grandpa’s Haunted Slippers
- The Scary Witches Who Lived in the Bathtub on the Second Floor
- Sally and the Scary Seesaw
- Rex, the Homicidal Weiner Dog
- The Magic Jawbreaker
- The Vampires of Bakersfield
- Uncle John’s Haunted Dental Floss
I may just have to publish them online, right here.
Well that’s about it. I have to get back to the game.
How is everyone? Good? That’s nice. Now let’s talk about me…..
- Last week, in my piano class, we were discussing fingering scales. I wonder if someone is going to bring a fish to class? Also, one of my classmates told us that he has been accepted to Colombia. Now all he needs is a passport.
- I was reading just the other day that unemployment is so bad in some parts of the country that even some worker bees are collecting unemployment. That explains the whole bee problem I have been reading about.
- Have you heard about the latest fashion accessory in Hollywood? It is a diamond-studded ankle bracelet for celebrities on home detention.
I came across this site of Jerry Seinfeld’s, where he drives around in various cars from his fleet, accompanied by other members of the one percent. http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/
Buying fruit is a gamble, I know that going in.
I wonder what it is like to have so many cars? The paperwork must be unbelievable. Where do you think he keeps all of his keys? I can just imagine what it must be like at his house:
“Have you seen my keys?”
“Which ones, for the Lamborghini?”
“No, the Ferrari.”
“The Blue Ferrari?”
“No, the Black Ferrari.”
“No, the other one.”
“No, I haven’t seen them. And be careful not to park in a handicapped spot.”
The other day I was thinking about the time I went out for the football team when I was a Freshman in High School. After the first practice, I threw up on the fifty-yard line. The coach asked me what I was doing, and our conversation went something like this:
“What do you think you are doing?”
“You said to leave it all out there. I did just that. I even left my lunch out there.”
“You are being too literal. Perhaps you should consider the golf team. It might be a better fit.”
I was talking with my neighbor the other day. He was telling me that he never wears underwear. I am not sure why he told me that. When I asked him why, he said “Because rainy days and undies always get me down.”
You are all probably aware that the Powerball jackpot was up to 550 Million Dollars last week. What follows is a conversation I took part in on the evening of the drawing:
“Did you know that the Powerball jackpot is up to 550 million dollars?”
“No, I didn’t. That’s a lot of money.”
“I’ll say. Do you know how much cat food you could buy with that? And you could probably fill an Olympic sized swimming pool with all of the cat litter you could buy. Let’s see, let me figure out just how many pools could be filled….”
“What would you do with the money if you won? Would you take the lump sum? Or would you take 20 annual payments?”
“I would take the lump sum. And then I would give half away to charity. And I would still have a tidy lump sum. The rest of it I would spend on just me.”
“How could you spend all that money?”
“Oh, don’t worry. I could spend it. I would start drinking again, and when my life spun out of control I would be able to afford rehab. I could afford to go to rehab for the rest of my life if I wanted. And not those cheap rehabs either. I would be at one of those really nice beach rehabs, like you see on Private Practice.”
“I would give all of it away to animal charities.”
“Of course you would. I would buy a medical practice, and have all of the doctors on call. I could make them give me anything I wanted. You know, for purely medical purposes.”
“I would buy a Target store. And it would be just for me. They would keep it stocked, and I could come and go as I please, grabbing soy milk and french fries, as many candy bars as I wanted. And I wouldn’t have to stand in line ever again. And I would travel the world. I would go to Rome and see the Louvre.”
“It’s pronounced Loov, and it is in Paris.”
“Well, I would be so freaking rich it wouldn’t matter where it is. Because I would be dripping with jewelry, and going to parties with other mega-rich people like me. Everyone would be so jealous, but I could just ignore them, because I wouldn’t need anyone!”
“Kind of like right now? But don’t forget – you are going to give half of your money away to charity, right?”
“On second thought, no. I would keep it all for myself. I would have homes in every cool place in the world. I would have a beach home in Northern California. It would be on a cliff overlooking the ocean, and it would have a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi, and a private golf course, and tennis courts. It would be like the house Bill Gates owns, only better. I would also have a Miami pimp pad. No, make that two Miami pimp pads. And I could hang with Cuban gangsters and have Scarface-type parties. Say hello to my little friend! I might even rub shoulders with Biggy Smalls.”
“Biggy Smalls is dead, I think.”
“Well, I would rub shoulders with someone like him. Perhaps Cee Lo Greene. And he could sing for me if I got bored.”
“How could you ever get bored with all of that money?”
“It would probably get boring after a while. But I would find a way to keep myself occupied. I would ski the alps, and I would surf in Hawaii, and climb Mount Everest, and fly with Richard Branson to somewhere exotic, and I would most likely have millions of twitter followers, unlike my current total of eight, including one poodle.”
“But you hardly ever leave the house. Are you sure you would want to travel the world? It’s very crowded out there, you know.”
“I would be properly medicated. Remember, I would have a staff of doctors on call for just me.”
“So you are fairly sure that you would be able to handle having all of that money?”
“Oh yeah, I could definitely handle it. No problem. But I would probably be dead in six months.”
“Most definitely. But I would have a very memorable six months. And I would leave you everything. As long as you promise not give it all away.”
“I promise. I will keep everything except for the Miami pimp pad.”
“Why is that?”
“Have you been to Miami lately?”