Please Mr. Custard

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  • Did you ever hear the story about the three-legged dog who limped into Dodge City looking for the man who shot his paw?  Many of you have already heard that joke, but I feel that it is strong enough, comically speaking, to repeat.
  • Our local radio station only plays music that was recorded between 1950 and 1969.  Just the other day I heard a song from my youth that I wasn’t even sure was a song.  (I actually thought he was saying Mr. Custard).  Wikipedia says the following:  “Mr. Custer” is a novelty song, sung by Larry Verne, and written by Al DeLory, Fred Darian, and Joseph Van Winkle. It was a number-one song in the United States in 1960, topping the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart for the issue dated October 10, 1960, and remained there for one week. It is a comical song about a soldier’s plea to Custer before the climactic Battle of the Little Bighorn against the Sioux, which he did not want to fight.[1]  “Mr. Custer” was also a No. 12 hit in the UK for Charlie Drake in 1962. So that means I was a very small person when this song came out.  How about you?  Do you remember when this song came out?  Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0nHWAoIfxo
  • As for me, I have been quite busy with school.  I am learning all about music theory and composition.  If you ever decide to go into that field, I have one piece of advice:  Buy a large box of erasers.  You will need them.  If you are composing a piece of classical music in a minor key, and happen to move from a V chord to a VI chord (a move known as a “Deceptive Cadence”) you must be sure to not double the root.  You always double the third, otherwise you will end up with an augmented second interval, which apparently is not a good thing. Why does this only happen between the V and VI chords?  It happens because that is the only place in a minor scale where two major triads are found a half-step apart.  But you probably already knew that.

Blasphemy for A Jazz Purist

coleWe have been practicing Cole Porter’s “All of You” in my music class.  For those of you who don’t know that song, here is a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GzNqD_MRvk

I have written two new verses for this song.  Dare I share them with my classmates?  I know I shouldn’t, it might be considered blasphemy by some jazz purists!

Here it is:

ALL OF YOU

Alternate Lyrics

(With a slight bounce – a rubber ball will do)

I like the way you walk, the way you talk
The smell of you, the breath of you
The ears, the eyes, the unsymmetrical thighs
The fingers, the toes, the somewhat pointy nose.

I like the way you eat, the way you speak
The clothes you wear remind me of a circus freak
Your hair, your lips, your hard-to-locate hips
For I like all of you.

What do you think?  It’s good, right?  Am I right???

Did I Ever Tell You This Story?

  • treeJust the other day I was thinking about my childhood.  I have such fond memories of that time.  I loved playing in the countryside, eating apples fresh off the tree, running in the wheat fields with my cousin Scooter.  Back then, we had a neighbor who was from the old country.  I am not sure why it was called “The Old Country,” perhaps it was called that because everyone who came from there was old.   This neighbor had a very strong Irish accent.  He used to tell us “Give Thanks to The Lard.”  I never knew if he meant “The Lord” or if was talking about bacon fat.
  • Are you ever too hard on yourself?  Do you have a tendency to beat yourself up?  Me too!  It got so bad last week, I was beating myself up and I actually broke my own nose.
  • Have you ever seen those Civil War Re-Enactments?  What’s up with those?  And why is it that the only war ever re-enacted is the Civil War.  And how civil could it have been?  How about re-enacting World War One?  They would just need to build a bunch of trenches, sit in them and throw smoke bombs at each other.  Or how about Desert Storm?  Although it might be difficult to get someone to dress up like Saddam Hussein.
  • The Weather Center says that we might be getting some rain next week.  Thank the Lard!

The Happiest Three Hours of My Life

San_Diego_Chargers_Helmet3For those of you who do not know me personally, I am a Hardcore San Diego Charger fan.  Their first playoff game in 2014 was with the Cincinnati Bengals.  They surprised everyone (including me!) by winning.   This game would turn out to be their final victory of the year.

My wife had to work during the game.  We did, however, text back and forth as the game progressed.  What follows is a word-for-word dictation of that correspondence:

And away we go!  Let’s go Chargers!!

After these commercials….

Dan Fouts sang the Chargers song online before the game.

I hope that is available later on.

First Down!  Yeah Bolts!!

What was that?

I don’t know, but I don’t like it.

Now the defense will have to step up.

Our punter is the best player on the field.

I agree.

Some points would be really good now.  For us, not them.

What’s with all of these commercials?  And all the meat?  I hate meat!

Me too! How can these people eat meat?  Don’t they know it was once a living creature?

People suck.

I’ll say.

These commercials are almost as annoying as these officials.  What did the Bengals do, threaten their families?

They probably forced them to eat meat.

Turnover!  Yes!  Now we need to capitalize on the mistakes of our adversary.

A 40 yard run?  Are you kidding me?  Who was that guy?

I have no idea.

Yippee!!!

It sure got quiet in the Bengals stadium.

It was as if there were wild animals loose on the field.

There were, and they had Chargers uniforms on!

Did you see that quarterback hit the dirt?  They just can’t handle the magnificence of the Charger defense.

They said that the last time they played each other, the Chargers didn’t even get in the red zone once.

That is hardly the case at this particular moment, isn’t it?

I agree wholeheartedly, Ollie.

We are controlling the red zone with the audacity of a Third World Dictator!!

What?

Never mind.  I just got excited.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

What was that?

I think we fumbled it.

It sure looks like it.

Why are the Bengals players all pointing in one direction, and the Chargers are pointing in the opposite direction?

It appears to be a difference of opinion.

WE RECOVER THE FUMBLE!!! WE RECOVER THE FUMBLE!!!

Get your red-hot fumbles, over here.  We’re giving ‘em away….!

CRAP!

That’s OK.  Our defense will take care of biz-ness.

JUST GIVE US THE BALL!!

We need to send the Chargers some magic.

Magico es fuerte y claro.

How did he catch that ball?

Again, I do not know and I do not like it.  Not one bit.

We need a turnover.

Get your red hot turnovers, buy two, get a first down free!!

What is it about Boomer’s voice that makes me want to buy noise-cancelling headphones?

I think it is the timber.

Do you mean timbre?

Yeah, that.

At least Boomer isn’t online, thank God!

Catch the ball, you bum!

Hey, calm down.  It is only a game.

It isn’t only a game.  It is my life!

That was huge!

The hughiest ever.

What?

These refs really have to start calling those holding violations.  This isn’t the WWF.

What is the WWF?

The World Wrassling Fraternity.

10-7 at the half is no problem.  I need a shower.

See you after the half.

I just turned on the TV, and we are up 17-10!

Did you ask for a turnover?  How about another one?

O – M – G!!!

This is the best game ever!

I am so happy.

I have never been this happy.

AUTOMATIC FIRST DOWN!  TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!!!

I want more points! Give me more points!!

Did you say more points?

Holy ______!!!!

We should go for it on this fourth down.

He got Buttled.

ANOTHER TURNOVER!!!

Do I need to say it?

Yes.

Get your turnovers, right here!  Red hot turnovers!!  We are giving them away, or forcing them on you if you resist!!

They were supposed to get a first down.  Maybe if I start vacuuming they will play better.

Then you better get vacuuming.

Oh yeah!  Another incompletion!  Were you aiming for the dirt?  I should have started vacuuming way before the half.

And the Chargers take over on downs, up by 2 scores with five minutes to play!

Can you say “AWESOME?”

I can do better than that!  I can say, “Bring on Denver!”

One more turnover would be nice.

I will see what I can do.  This Bengal voodoo doll has so many pins on it, there isn’t much room.

Woo-Hoo!  Good job, little voodoo doll!

We get the ball back!

I am so happy.

I am so very happy.  I hope I never lose this feeling.

You should vacuum next week during the Broncos game.  It really seemed to do the trick.

I agree.

I guess I will put on some coffee now.

OK, see you soon……

Thoughts and Observations

Did everyone have a good Christmas?  Oh, good.  Now, let’s move on.

Here are some recent thoughts and observations of mine that I like to call “thoughts and observations.”

  • fatI don’t know about you, but I put on a few pounds over the holidays.  My legs are starting to get chubby.  My calves are starting to look like full-grown cows.
  • I read that Detroit recently filed for bankruptcy.  I found this a bit confusing.  I would think that they would get the Lion’s share of state revenues.
  • Did you know that I am a veteran?  Yes, it is true.  I also have the distinction of being the only person ever offered money from the Army to not re-enlist.
  • I am all for animal welfare, as long as the animals are looking for work.
  • I was once asked if I was a flight risk.  I told them no, I can hardly jump.

Free Cut-Out Missile Toe

ImageI have provided a free cut-out missile toe for my many readers.  Just print, cut out, and hang over your doorway at your Christmas Party. After that, wait for that special someone and plant a kiss right on their forehead.