Powerball Fantasy

You are all probably aware that the Powerball jackpot was up to 550 Million Dollars last week.  What follows is a conversation I took part in on the evening of the drawing:

“Did you know that the Powerball jackpot is up to 550 million dollars?”
“No, I didn’t. That’s a lot of money.”
“I’ll say.  Do you know how much cat food you could buy with that?  And you could probably fill an Olympic sized swimming pool with all of the cat litter you could buy. Let’s see, let me figure out just how many pools could be filled….”
“What would you do with the money if you won?  Would you take the lump sum?  Or would you take 20 annual payments?”
“I would take the lump sum.  And then I would give half away to charity.  And I would still have a tidy lump sum. The rest of it I would spend on just me.”
“How could you spend all that money?”
“Oh, don’t worry.  I could spend it. I would start drinking again, and when my life spun out of control I would be able to afford rehab.  I could afford to go to rehab for the rest of my life if I wanted.  And not those cheap rehabs either.  I would be at one of those really nice beach rehabs, like you see on Private Practice.”
“I would give all of it away to animal charities.”
“Of course you would.  I would buy a medical practice, and have all of the doctors on call.  I could make them give me anything I wanted.  You know, for purely medical purposes.”
“Of course.”
“I would buy a Target store.  And it would be just for me.  They would keep it stocked, and I could come and go as I please, grabbing soy milk and french fries, as many candy bars as I wanted.  And I wouldn’t have to stand in line ever again.  And I would travel the world.  I would go to Rome and see the Louvre.”
“It’s pronounced Loov, and it is in Paris.”
“Well, I would be so freaking rich it wouldn’t matter where it is.  Because I would be dripping with jewelry, and going to parties with other mega-rich people like me.  Everyone would be so jealous, but I could just ignore them, because I wouldn’t need anyone!”
“Kind of like right now? But don’t forget – you are going to give half of your money away to charity, right?”
“On second thought, no.  I would keep it all for myself.  I would have homes in every cool place in the world.  I would have a beach home in Northern California.  It would be on a cliff overlooking the ocean, and it would have a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi, and a private golf course, and tennis courts.  It would be like the house Bill Gates owns, only better.  I would also have a Miami pimp pad.  No, make that two Miami pimp pads.  And I could hang with Cuban gangsters and have Scarface-type parties.  Say hello to my little friend!  I might even rub shoulders with Biggy Smalls.”
“Biggy Smalls is dead, I think.”
“Well, I would rub shoulders with someone like him.  Perhaps Cee Lo Greene.  And he could sing for me if I got bored.”
“How could you ever get bored with all of that money?”
“It would probably get boring after a while.  But I would find a way to keep myself occupied.  I would ski the alps, and I would surf in Hawaii, and climb Mount Everest, and fly with Richard Branson to somewhere exotic, and I would most likely have millions of twitter followers, unlike my current total of eight, including one poodle.”
“But you hardly ever leave the house.  Are you sure you would want to travel the world?  It’s very crowded out there, you know.”
“I would be properly medicated.  Remember, I would have a staff of doctors on call for just me.”
“So you are fairly sure that you would be able to handle having all of that money?”
“Oh yeah, I could definitely handle it.  No problem.  But I would probably be dead in six months.”
“Maybe sooner.”
“Most definitely.  But I would have a very memorable six months.  And I would leave you everything. As long as you promise not give it all away.”
“I promise.  I will keep everything except for the Miami pimp pad.”
“Why is that?”
“Have you been to Miami lately?”

The Newborn’s Guide to Living

THE NEWBORN’S GUIDE TO LIVING
County General Hospital Maternity Ward

Welcome to the World!  You are a newborn baby.  Several billion babies were born before you, and several billion will most likely follow. Here are some helpful hints and facts about you, the newborn baby, to help you along your way.

You probably have many questions.  Don’t panic.  This guide will help you traverse the many challenges that will surely come your way in the following months.  Feel free to consult it whenever questions arise about your body or the world around you.  And remember, if you feel like something needs to be cleaned up, let someone know.

Section One – Torso, Legs, Shoulders, Arms, Feet, Hands, Fingers, and Thumbs

You are probably laying there in your crib wondering what that is right below you.  It is called a torso.  The two parts leading downward (or upward, depending on your position) are called legs.  Say it with me.  Legs.  That’s it, you’ve got it, legs!  We haven’t even covered speech yet, and you are already talking!  On the end of each leg is what are known as feet.  Say it with me again.  Feet.  You are a quick learner!  I think you are going to do quite well on this long, challenging, rewarding journey known as life.

At the end of each foot, you should find five small nubs.  These are your toes.  They are used for, well, I’m not really sure.  I think they help you with your balance.  At least the big ones do.  Some people can pick things up with their toes, but not me.  But that isn’t important right now.  The main purpose of this section is to let you know the names of your appendages, so that you won’t be embarrassed if someone gives you a compliment.  That happened to me when I was just a few days old.  Someone complimented me on my toes, and I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t want that to happen to you.

Do you remember when we talked about your arms?  Those are the two limbs nearest your head.  You can’t see your head, because your eyes (we will discuss them in Section Three – Auditory and Visual Organs) are set, hopefully, at the top of it.  A simple exercise is to look to your left, and then slowly look down.  Now do the same thing, only this time look to the right.  The first thing you see should be your shoulders and arms.  Wiggle them around.  Bounce them back and forth.  That’s it!  You are doing it!  You are wiggling your shoulders and arms.  At the end of each arm are what we call hands.  Each hand should have four fingers and a thumb.  The thumb is the one that can only bend in one spot, and is found on the inside (pointing towards the center) of the hand.  Your thumbs and fingers are going to probably be the most important parts of your body.  Some of you will use them to play musical instruments, others will use them to change tires for the rest of your lives.  It all depends on whether or not you realize the importance of an education. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Let’s try wiggling those fingers.  Now wiggle those toes.  Wiggle them all at the same time.  Now just the toes.  Now wiggle just the fingers.  Practice doing that each day for at least 30 minutes, until you are able to switch back and forth at will.

You are probably getting hungry by now, so let’s stop here.  Tomorrow we will discuss how to use the many parts of your body to get what you want out of life.  And remember, if you need something you don’t need to cry about it.  Just hold up one of your hands and ask for help.  All of the nurses on staff are here to help you.  In the meantime, keep wiggling!

 

Happy Tuesday, Everyone

Do you know why you can’t trust atoms?  Because they make up everything.

Why is New York Pizza so thin?  Don’t worry about it.

Someone from Holland just sent me a message on Twitter.  This is my very first Dutch Tweet.

My neighbor and his wife are partners in a skydiving company.  However, they both recently had a falling out.

One of the hospitals near me is laid out in a big circle.  I imagine they built it like that to help doctors with their rounds.

I watched The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey last night.  It wasn’t quite what I was expecting.  I thought maybe there would be hobbits running around in fields, talking about food and picnics.  Instead, it was full of mythical creatures and vast underground fortresses.  In other words, exactly like Seinfeld but with more trolls.

Monday Evening, 6 pm

The following conversation actually occurred this past Monday.  The names of the people talking have been purposely left out to protect the innocent.

“How was your day?”
“It was wonderful.  It was amazing.  I had so much fun at work, it was hard to come home.”
“My day was good too.  Actually, it was great.  I watched 5 episodes of Criminal Minds.  I can’t get enough of that show.  Do you think that government agents really look like that?”
“Let’s hope you never find out.”
“Doesn’t that show have crazed killers?”
“Yes, but the agents are all very attractive and well dressed, and they always catch the bad guy or girl.”
“What about Joe Mantegna?  What’s up with that eye?”
“What about that computer lady with the pink glasses?”
“Do you mean Penelope Garcia?”
“If that is her name, yes!”
“That is her name.  And she is the computer person.  She can find anything out about anyone in the world in a matter of seconds.”
“How does she do it?”
“I would think through a a combination of Microsoft Excel, Access, and excellent search tools.”
“You know everything, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.  By the way, I thought of a new joke today.”
“Let’s hear it.”
“OK, here goes.  I just got my hospital bill, and now I think I am going into Anaphylactic Sticker Shock.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You know how sometimes people go into shock?”
“Yeah?”
“And have you heard the phrase ‘sticker shock’?”
“No.”
“Now I see why you don’t get it.  Never mind.”
“But what does that mean, Anaphylactic Sticker Shock?”
“I am combining the two acts of being in anaphylactic shock, and being shocked by a bill.”
“Oh, I get it!  That’s a good one.  You could tell it at the hospital the next time you are committed.”
“It would put them in stitches.  Again.”
“By the way, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.”
“What for?”
“She said I need to have some work done.  But I can only afford to have one tooth worked on this time.”
“What is the problem?”
“My teeth hurt when I smile.”
“Fortunately, for you that isn’t a problem.”
“Hey!”
“What is this commercial on TV all about?  Blood pressure medicine often causes constipation?  Not for me.”
“Quite the opposite?”
“Yes, quite the opposite.”
“That must be nice.”
“Oh, it is.”
“I saw on the News that sources in the government have noticed an increase in chatter by criminal elements.”
“What do you think that means?”
“I think it means that they are probably very cold.”
“Are you ready to watch General Hospital?“
“I’m always ready to watch GH.”
“I wonder what Helena will do next.”
“What do you mean?  She was shot by Luke in yesterday’s episode!”
“Oh, that’s right!  Do you think she is really dead?”
“I’m not sure.  You never know with that lady.”

More Thoughts on a Saturday Afternoon

• Rocky II was on TV last night the same time as The Pelican Briefs.  It caused quite a problem for me, because I just could not decide: Boxers or Briefs?
• My wife and I are the perfect match.  She is the breadwinner, and I love to loaf.  But I am starting to get a little crusty.
• I recently bought a brand new Cars CD at a local record store.  You remember The Cars, right?  They sound amazing, even after all these years.  The store also has used Cars CDs.  I might trade it in after I put 50,000 miles on it.
• I was watching Justified the other night, and thought of the perfect name for Timothy Olyphant:  Dixie Cheeks.  I think every person on that show has a mean streak.  Not me, although I am getting a grey streak.
• I am not very popular on Twitter.  I only have 14 followers, two of which are poodles.  But that’s all right, I don’t really like being followed.
• Have you heard that song called The Harlem Shake?  It was written by an electronic music composer who goes by the name of Baauer.   You can download a trial version of the program used to write it at www.flstudio.com.  The steps used to create the song can be found here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4ElDLy1KfM

That’s about it for now.  I guess I will go outside and see what’s going on out there.  Or not.

The Conversation

I could rant and rave about the gridlock in Washington, and how it is affecting everyone negatively, but I won’t.  I would rather share a conversation I had with my wife recently while watching “Chicago Fire.”

“Do you recognize that lady?”
“Which one?”
“You know, the brunette.”
“Do you mean the lesbian?”
“What do you mean?  I thought they were both lesbians.”
“No, just the blonde.”
“But they are always together.”
“I know, right?”
“So who is she?”
“She was in Roswell.”
“Roswell?”
“Yes, Roswell.  You remember.  It was the show about the aliens who lived in Roswell, New Mexico.  But they looked like regular people.”
“Oh, yeah.  I think I remember her.  Which alien was she?”
“She wasn’t an alien.  She was involved with an alien.”
“Involved?  How do you mean?”
“They were going out.”
“That’s right.  She was going out with one of those aliens.  I remember now.  She was going out with the alien who went on to CSI Miami.”
“No, she was going out with the alien who had the ears that stuck out.”
“Are you sure?  I thought she was involved with the other guy.  The alien with the ears that stuck out was involved with the girl who is now Dexter’s sister.”
“What?  I don’t think so.”
“I’m sorry, but I think you are wrong.  The girl who was involved with the Alien with the ears that stuck out on Roswell is now on Dexter, playing the part of his sister.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, I beg to differ.”
“I wonder what ever happened to that guy.”
“Which guy.”
“The guy who played the alien with the ears that stuck out on Roswell, who was later involved with the blonde lady on Chicago Fire.”
“But I thought he was involved with the brunette.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“I never saw him again after Roswell.”
“Maybe he really was an alien.”
“Maybe we are aliens.”
“I am starting to wonder.”
“He was very handsome for an alien, I thought.”
“Everything except for those ears.”
“Well, who is the guy on CSI Miami that you are talking about?”
“Who, Horatio?”
“No, you said that one of the aliens on Roswell went on to CSI Miami.”
“Did I say that?”
“Yes, you did.  Oh, that’s right.  He was one of the investigators for a while, but I think his part was cut.  I did see him on an episode of Nashville a few weeks ago.  He was playing guitar in a band with that guy who was also on Boardwalk Empire.”
“Which guy?”
“Nucky’s brother.”
“Who is Nucky?”
“Nucky Thompson.  Steve Buscemi?  The star of the show?  He is in the opening?  He is on the beach, wearing a suit?”
“A bathing suit?”
“No, a suit!  An actual suit with a tie, and a hat.”
“Why is he on the beach wearing a suit?”
“Because he likes it.  He likes being on the beach in his suit.  It makes him feel important.”
“What’s up with all of those whiskey bottles floating in the ocean in the opening sequence?”
“I think the writers are trying to convey a feeling of chaos and anarchy.”
“Either that, or they just decided to throw a bunch of bottles in the ocean and see what would happen.”
“Or that.”
“What kind of name is Nucky, anyway?”
“It is short for Enoch.”
“Wouldn’t that be ‘Nocky?”
“You would think.  I am going to get some cereal.  Do you want some grapes?”
“No, I am going to have a pomegranate.”

“Where is my Hat?”

More Provocative Thoughts and Observations

Thoughts and Observations (feel free to use any of these at parties if you are running out of things to say):

• Did you know that some parts of Beverly Hills are so upscale that when the police arrive at a crime scene, they get valet parking?  It is true.  I wouldn’t lie to you.
• We are having trouble shutting off the heater in our house.  I know that we have forced-air heating, but this is getting ridiculous!
• We recently purchased a new coffee maker.  It stopped working after two months.  The company was kind enough to send a replacement, but now we have to return the old one.  The Fedex lady said that there is a nine hour window for pickup today. That isn’t a window, it is a sliding glass door!  Or perhaps an entire building?
• I read that Ashton Kutcher is starring in a film about the life of Steve Jobs.  I have thought of the perfect title:  “Two and a Half Megs.”
• Do you come from a large family?  Me too.  Some of us are huge!  However, I don’t visit very often.  Why?  Because I don’t like crowds.  Also, I am afraid of trains.
• I was watching an episode of Perry Mason just the other night.  It was recorded in 1962.  That is over 50 years ago (I did that in my head, no calculator).  There was one scene where you could hear the sound of waves breaking on the ocean.  However, that scene took place inside a courtroom.  Perhaps the tape was dusty?
• Have you ever known women who want nothing more than to be pregnant?  I have the perfect name for that syndrome:  Fetus Envy.
• When I was in high school, I once asked a girl out, but since I was only 5 feet tall and had a skin condition, she said no.  My friend told me that she was out of my league.  He may have been right.  Or perhaps we were in the same league, just a different conference.
• I did a search recently for sex offenders in my area.  I must have typed it in wrong, because I got a list of offensive sax players.  And one of them had a history of violins.
• If you have an injured dog, tell him to heal.
• Speaking of dogs, what would you call someone who designs dog houses?  A barkitecht.
• Rock groups named after flying animals: A Flock of Seagulls, Counting Crowes, Black Crows, The Byrds, The Eagles, A Flock of Pigeons

I guess that’s about it.