Do Not Read This!


I thought I told you not to read this.

Did you know that Bob Dylan and David Bowie are releasing a new album?  It is called “The Times They Are a Cha-Cha-Changing.” They are also considering the title “Mr. Tambourine Man From Mars.”

Last week I saw the film “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”  It was very well done.  It was closed-captioned for those who don’t speak primate.

I have a friend who works at the Bureau.  When I asked him where his office was, he said it was right between the socks and the T-Shirts.

I have another friend who is taking acting lessons.  He hopes to one day be Acting Mayor.

Do you know the most common hand lotion used by hospitals?  Intensive Care.

If you receive correspondence from a company whose title contains the word “Solutions” you most likely have a problem.

Do You Know What Magnetism Is?

  • Do you know what magnetism is?  It is the unexplained universal force that attracts objects to refrigerators.
  • Scientists say that judgment is the first thing people lose when they drink alcohol.  That doesn’t seem right to me.  Every drinker I have ever met has never had any trouble judging me.  And I have known many!
  • balloonsDid you know that over 20 million balloons will be filled with helium for this year’s New Year’s Eve celebrations?  Personally, I think that number is overly inflated.
  • A friend of mine claims to have perfect pitch.  However, his hitting and fielding needs work.
  • Have a great Christmas, everyone!  Don’t drink too much and lose your judgment.  (Or get arrested and see what real judgment is all about!)

     No, You’re Out of Order!

Acorn TV is OK After All!

  • Last month I wrote about a bad experience I had with Acorn TV.  They had the wrong email address listed for me, and I was being charged for something that was becoming impossible to cancel.  I am happy to report that they did finally cancel my account and gave me a full refund.  So I take back what I said about them.  And they do have many good shows for only $4.99/month.  Just make sure you have the correct email address listed!
  • I finally figurchargersed out why the San Diego Chargers lost so bad last week to the Miami Dolphins:  Antonio Gates was unhinged.
  • I was reading that Pizza Hut may start using unmanned drones to deliver pizzas.  I wonder how much you are supposed to tip an unmanned drone?
  • Have you noticed that many Sci-Fi TV shows these days have supercomputers that have human voices?   I wonder why they always have a British accent?

Autumn Thoughts and Memories

  • I have noticed this week that many people on television are being snarky.  Perhaps it is Snark Week?house
  • Do you remember that group from the 60’s called The Drifters?  They had a couple of hit songs called “Up on a Roof” and “Under the Boardwalk.”  I don’t think they liked being around people.
  • I have been lucky so far this flu season.  My secret?  Frequent hand-wringing.
  • I was reading about a man who makes a living by flipping houses.  That sounds tricky.  I imagine you have to do it just right, otherwise you might break the roof if it lands at a bad angle.

Hanks for the Memories

  • tom hanksI recently watched a bootleg copy of the Tom Hanks film “Captain Phillips.”  In other words, I watched a pirated video about Somali Pirates.
  • Did I ever tell you the story about my friend’s Great-Great Grandfather?  He came to the U.S. in 1920 with nothing but the shirt on his back.  He was promptly arrested for indecent exposure.  Apparently he didn’t know it was illegal to walk around in this country with no pants on.
  • Did you know that everyone has their own unique set of dimples?  It’s true.  Would I lie to you?  However, some exceptions to this rule have been known to occur.  These people are known as “Dimplegangers.”